Archive for September, 2008

There goes my moment!

I don’t know what I’m writing or why I’m writing it. I just know I should, because I’ve got something in me that needs to leave.

You know that feeling, that moment you feel – “This is the time... This is it”. But just when you’re about to go down on one knee and propose, some jackass does something real stupid that spoils the entire moment. Your jaw hits the floor, you’re in shock and all you’re left thinking is –

“Fuck! There goes my moment!”

Or that one time you’re on the queue to ride the Roller Coaster. Full of energy, and every single cell in your body, dead and alive, is excited and looking forward to it. BAM! Comes the mean ol’ rain spraying everything aggressively. What are you thinking?

“Fuck! There goes my moment!”

And that time you’re so excited about sharing some great news with your parents about an achievement in your life. They don’t really need to know, but you feel they should be part that memory; because it is special and means a lot to you. And what do they do? They ignore the news and by pass all the excitement and go straight to telling you what you should do on something totally unrelated which quite frankly, you don’t give a crap about.

It’s moments like this that cripple you emotionally and make you loose faith in people. You get disappointed and just don’t give a fuck anymore. Moments like this, you do much more than just keep your head down and say –

“FUCK! THERE GOES MY MOMENT”

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Death Trains & Kinky Sex.

The universe works in mysterious ways. Just yesterday I was talking about stupid people and the extinction of the human race, and this morning, I got hit in the face with this from Nadira.

Just in case you couldn’t find a second in your busy life to click on that link, let me tell you what happened.

Long story short, a South African couple were killed by a train while having sex on the train tracks. The End.

Now how do you react when you hear a story like this? Seriously.

OK let’s have a 3 second silence for the deceased.

One. Two. Three.

Now that that’s out of the way can I ask, What the fuck were they thinking?!

I have lots of questions that I’ll probably never get answers for. Deep down, I don’t want to know the truth; it’s probably lame anyways. I prefer speculating. Speculating is fun!

If you think this is mean and insensitive, tell you what; if I ever get hit by a train while having sex on its tracks, by all means speculate and make fun. You have my blessing. I promise I won’t haunt you in your sleep and cut off your penis.

So what do I think happened?

I think they were trying to “spice” things up. A little sex in public never hurt anyone, unless of course your idea of “public” is the train tracks. I understand doing it on the beach, back seat of the car in a shopping mall parking lot or even behind the bush at a city park. With the right persuasion, I might even give sex in the graveyard a pass. But train tracks? That shit is so far out of my reality that I can’t even imagine it – damn!

Respect to the girl though. Whether or not it was her idea, agreeing to participate proves that she’s one kinky bitch. If she was a prostitute (like some are speculating), even hotter! Some think it’s rape, in which case – The guy is a fucking asshole and I hope he fucking rots in hell!

But what if this was a love story? Have you thought of that? You know, some Romeo and Juliet shit? Maybe life was too hard for them, and they decided to commit suicide together. The right way. The fun way!

Isn’t that just the sweetest, most romantic thing ever? I think Wristcutters: A love story on X!

Fucking Orgasmic!

Now who do I have to blow to get the film rights to this story?

Fashion, Relationships & Stupid People

Warning: Some people may find this offensive. Reader discretion is advised!

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“No, fashion is for ladies. I want a universal theme, something both sexes will enjoy reading”

I know, embarrassing as fuck! That was my editor. I threw up in my mouth when he said that. I wanted to bitch-slap him back to reality and tell him how fucking stupid he was. But when he told another guy to go write a piece about a lame-ass online multi-player game that nobody gives a shit about, I just felt sorry for the poor bastard. I wanted to give him a big hug, like he was my retarded half-cousin.

I wonder how this poor model will feel when he’s told that male fashion is like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.

It’s like a friend of mine once said; smart is a dying breed. She was complaining about how claustrophobic she felt in a sea of stupid people.

At that time, I just smiled and told her to stop being such an arrogant snob. But with people like my dear editor, and the idiots that thought “Meet the Spartans” was one of the funniest movies of all time, I find myself very scared of the future.

If in 2008, people are enjoying the shit out of movies like Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie, then come 2050, we’re going to have an Idiocracy like future. Just wait till a studio executive somewhere comes up with “Ass: The Movie”.

The thought of my kids and grandkids living in a future like that just sends cold chills down my spine.

A friend of mine got dumped a while ago. He got ill. Yes I’ve been dumped before, and yes it wasn’t pretty. One thing I didn’t do was fall sick for the “attention”.

OK I’m not saying that’s what he did, but the timing was a little too perfect don’t you think? Also, the fact that he called his ex’s best friend to tell her he was ill didn’t help.

Is there a BIG picture here? Because I don’t see it. What was his plan? Fall sick and guilt the poor girl into taking him back? He must be pretty fucking stupid if he thought for one second that could work. But if it had worked, then they’re both fucking stupid!

Can you imagine the uber-stupid kids they’ll bring into this world? I most definitely won’t want them to mingle with my kids. Maybe I’ll make all potential partners of my kids take IQ tests.

On a second thought, fuck IQ tests!

Another friend of mine wrote a blog preaching and advocating single life. I always get a kick out of reading blogs and write-ups about how awesome single life is.

His started so well, that is until I got to one of his reasons for being single – waiting for the “perfect girl”. His words, not mine. I swear I didn’t make this shit up!

Once upon a time, only 8 year old girls dream of being with the perfect guy and living happily ever after. What’s interesting is that even the 8 year olds have the good sense to only “dream”.

What is this world turning into? I wonder if guys will start having periods very soon. That’ll be about the time I’ll make my final trip to Japan to visit the suicide mountains.

Although I do agree with some of his other reasons, like the freedom and the ability to do whatever, I think the issue of freedom, or lack of it in a relationship is highly overrated.

Be gay, asexual or promiscuous… I don’t care. Hell you can even choose to wait for your little Miss Perfect or Prince Charming… I’ll pity your ignorance, but I won’t fucking care!

What I hate is people preaching their opinions. Say what you want, it’s a free world. Yes. But if you shove that shit down my throat, I’m going to take a huge dump and shove your face into it. That’s gross, but you get my point.

This are just some of the few things on my mind right now. It’s not much, but I feel I haven’t updated in a while so what the hell. If you found this offensive, well, FUCK YOU! I warned you didn’t I?

PS: This post was intentionally written in dick/asshole mode as a homage to one of my favorite bloggers, Maddox. No disrespect to my friends, I love you all 🙂

Those Old Little Memories or “What have you got today?”

It was probably the bare empty taste of the cold left-over French fries that triggered those old little memories.

Sure, back then there was a lot of food involved, and yes, fries too. But I’m still not sure Why; Why cold left-over fries?

We were very very little then and we’ll join our desks in a rectangle and put our little chairs around it. We formed a mini dinning table. And everyone put their pretty little lunch box on it. I had a red square one, one of the guys’ was round and sky blue.

It was a tradition we had for many many years, and many more years after that.

“What have you got today?”

That was always the first question.

Everyone around the table will open their lunch box and announce what they’ve brought to the table.

I sometimes bring cold noodles, which was very delicious once you get used to it. One of the guys, had some nice crispy fries with scrambled eggs. Another guy some great sardine sandwiches.

We were four.

The last guy brings the most amazing macaroni known to man, and we usually ate that first, before moving on to the other delicacies.

Most of the time, another guy would join us. Other times, we’d get in a fight with one of the girls for no particular reason.

We were all very different, yet very close.

There was the quite short one, who was kind of smart. The tough brilliant one, who was the top of the class. The handsome cool one, who all the girls liked. And the tall serious one, who was well… pretty bad-ass!

Occasionally, we hung out with a crazy talkative one, but his energy was a little higher than ours. We parted ways with him, but still remained friends.

I don’t exactly remember how I met all, or any of them. There’s this bullshit story I and one of them tell people about meeting when our families stopped to get gas at the fuel station. Maybe that was how it happened…

I’m still not sure how the taste of cold left-over French fries triggered this memory. We’ve all changed now, but still pretty close with all but one of the guys. Even our crazy talkative friend is back in the loop. But the loop isn’t all circular desks and lunch boxes now. In fact we’re spread across countries that we barely see each other these days.

But who knows, maybe one of them will have a slice of a cold left-over sardine sandwich one day, and all those old little memories will come flooding back…